Issue #1 of The Column That Will Save Your Life

"Know Thy Enemy"

Make no mistake about it, the enemy is out there... everywhere out there.  In fact, there are probably no less than 1,000 separate entities conspiring to cause you pain and suffering this very instant (roughly twelve of which are right behind you).

This guy is actually the least frightening of them all.

Yet, in order to defeat one's enemy, one must understand one's enemy. This leaves the average man with a bit of a problem: How does one possibly gain an understanding of one's enemy when said enemy could literally be any thing, in any place, at any time?  Well that is where this column (and it's undeniably heroic, yet humble author) come in to save the day. "Know Thy Enemy" is a survival guide to help you identify, understand and mercilessly destroy any and every foe currently inhabiting your fragile existence. And yes, I know what you're thinking right now, "But I'm a nice guy, I don't even have any enemies... right?"

I even grew this sweet mustache to make my turban appear less threatenening...

I'll put it like this: It's exactly those kinds of thoughts that got Poland invaded by Nazis.

Yeah, chew that one over, Sultan of Samaria...

So without further ado, I present to you issue #1 of Know Thy Enemy-

The Scenario:  
You wake up in the morning, possibly afternoon, with the usual head-throbbing, stomach-rumbling, full-body-aching, excruciatingly intense hangover you've grown to expect on a Tuesday.  After replenishing your dehydrated body with about 5 gallons of tap water, and releasing into your porcelain throne whatever foul  and evil substances you consumed the night before, you drunkenly stagger over to your dirty kitchen for some much needed morning nutrition.  You grab the last bowl in the cabinet, rinse off a dirty spoon, scavenge the last of the milk from the fridge and take a nearly empty box of Corn Pops down from the shelf before somehow maneuvering your half-drunken ass over to the kitchen table. 

Somehow managing to make it to the table with your life, let alone the assortment of objects you were juggling, you sit down and begin to prepare your feast. Lifting your first bite of cereal to your mouth, you happen to notice a stripper laying dead on the floor in front of you, your roommate passed out and covered in blood a few feet over.

"Holy shit," you say to yourself as you swallow the first spoonful of Pops, "This is so fucked up. What do I even do?"  Losing your appetite and slowly backing away from your once promising breakfast, you throw your arms in the air and loudly exclaim what any person would in such a situation:

"Why the fuck are Corn Pops always stale?!"

In searching for images of stale Corn Pops, the Kellogg's company has Blacklisted my name and threatened my family, this picture of dry Cherios will have to do."

   


The Enemy:
Stale Corn Pops are as common as they are frustrating.  It is such a problem, in fact, that the Kellogg's company itself has acknowledged the issue and out of the goodness of their hearts (or in compliance with the results of a simple cost/benefit analysis), have attempted to resolve the problem the best way they could - issuing the cereal its own special tin foil bag.  

Tin foil- the cause of and solution to... none of life's problems.

This attempt at preserving freshness, though noble in its efforts, is utterly futile.  Its almost as if you can see the cereal wither and die the second you open the bag and expose it to the harsh elements (scratch that, just air).  You see, Corn Pops are quite similar to those Furby-esque creatures in the movie Gremlins.  Without absolutely perfect care, what was once a sweet little puff of awesomeness becomes a nasty, disgusting version  of its former self who's only remaining purpose in this world is to bring upon the suffering of others.

Searched 'Gremlins'- and yet I swear this is a Furby

Defeating The Enemy:
Fear not however, for as unpleasant as those mushy little bastards are, stale Corn Pops are an easily conquered foe.  Garbage disposals, trash bags and household pets are great weapons to use if you have them at your disposal.  Failing that, one proven method is to just relocate the tainted breakfast item (the back of the cupboard usually works) and simply denying knowledge of their existence.  This strategy of 'out of sight, out of mind' does wonders to reduce the harm that this cereal can and will inflict, however one must be mindful of the skeletons in their closet as the danger of stumbling upon the item in the future is always present.

Of course, the best way to defeat the enemy that is stale Corn Pops is to prevent them from going stale in the first place.  This seemingly impossible task can actually be accomplished in several surprisingly easy ways: Store the Pops in an airtight container

This is almost 100% not airtight... but you get the idea.

  


Eat the entire box of Corn Pops in one sitting

Pictured: Not Corn Pops

Buy Fruit Loops instead.

Pictured: Happiness

 Tune in every week to discover new enemies lurking around every corner.  Your life depends on it.