Know Thy Enemy #2

The Scenario:
The moment you close the back doors to the old, beat up van, the driver steps on the gas and immediately speeds off.  The faint sounds of police sirens can be heard in the distance as you remove your black ski mask, and high-five your two accomplices in the back of the van.  You grab a handful of crisp unmarked bills from the beige, dollar sign embroidered bag by your feet and toss it in the air in celebration of a job well done.  Shortly after, the van pulls to a stop in a dimly lit alleyway between two abandoned paper mills. As you grab your bulging bag of loot and exit the vehicle you suddenly feel the hairs on the back of your neck begin to prick up.

Making your way to an unmarked door in the back of one of the abandoned mills, you catch a glimpse of a shadow flashing across the wall of the building. "What the hell was that?" you ask your rag-tag cluster of cronies. A few shrugged shoulders and some incoherent mumbling is the only response you get.  A moment later you hear a loud and unfamiliar 'zipping' noise from one of the fire escapes above. "Well I know you heard that, Earl."

"Yeah... what the fuck was that?"  comes the response of one of your thugs who most assuredly is not Earl

You turn around to realize that crew is now somehow one short, with Earl's bag of money laying sprawled out, yet still full,  on the greasy black pavement. "Uhhh... Where's Earl?" asks one of your bewildered associates.

The unexpected response comes from a nearby shadow in the form of a deep and raspy whisper, "Earl's a little... tied up right now."

It’s not until the source of the voice reveals itself, instantly subduing one of your two remaining accomplices, and abducting him to the rooftops via grappling gun, that you fully become aware of what your up against...




The Enemy:  

You knew it was coming...

 Batman is a formidable opponent.  Aside from Michael Myers, he is the last person you want kicking your ass while wearing a rubber mask.  It is widely believed that this disturbed individual suffers from an undiagnosed bipolar disorder/ intense repressed sadism fetish.  He is the most evil “super” hero in the comic book world, siphoning company funds to fuel a violent rampage on the streets of his hometown.   The man hides behind his vigilante stance, claiming he is ridding Gotham of crime.  Total crock of shit.  The man’s family fucking built Gotham city.  He has more money and influence there than the pope does at the Vatican.  He has more resources at his disposal than a Native American in the 1600's.  So what does he do with all of this unlimited wealth, power and opportunity at his fingertips?  He gos out each night and punches people in the face. Also, he seduces little boys. 

You knew this was coming too...

Imagine for a second, if, rather than owning a television show/network to call attention to delicate issues like world poverty and teen pregnancies, Oprah Winfrey instead pursued an alternate lifestyle where she spent her fortune creating gadgets to aide her and her costumed life-partner on their mission to deliver hamburgers and condoms door to door.  Disturbingly awesome as that may be it, I can assure you it have little effect on the hordes of slutty teenagers and starving Ethiopians roaming our planet.

In the end Batman is just some incredibly rich whack-job who has gone mad with power and money and spends a little too much time playing dress up with little boys.  He's kinda like Micheal Jackson except he punches people in the face.

What... Too soon?

Defeating thy Enemy: 

Luckily for you, Batman’s fucked up sexual fetishes create many weaknesses in the man’s general routine.  For instance, Batman has a bat utility belt with every possible gadget/ bdsm sex toy imaginable… except a cell phone.   For some reason this deranged individual chooses to communicate by way of a method not used since the midnight ride of paul revere.  Most likely somehow associated with Batman’s sick obsession with flying animals, the only way to get his attention is with a god-damned giant light bulb.  Once the bright light of the “Moth Bat Signal” goes on, it is only a small matter of time before Batman is on the spot.

The guy has the fighting abilities to take down a platoon, the intelligence to run a business empire, and the cunning to successfully live a double life. Yet he has chosen to navigate his way through life in the same manner as a fucking moth.  To kill Batman, simply approach the situation as you would any nocturnal insect.

Works every time...

Option 1: Distraction- point your own shiney moth signal into the air a couple miles from where you're doing your crime.  Batmoth will be to resist unable what he surely finds the second sexiest thing in the universe (the first obviously being... well, you know).  While he's off doing whatever he does when hes at your moth signal (most likely running and jumpimg franctically around it as most bugs/ crazy people do around bright lights) you and your goons do your deed and disapear into the night. Problem solved.

Option 2:  If you're the type looking for repeat business, the distraction technique might only work the first few times... If this is the case simply have someone (possibly yourself) waiting with a .50 cal sniper rifle in a window adjacent to  your moth signal.  When batman shows up, blow the bastards head off. Problem solved.