Today in Science: Newly Discovered Living "Mushrooms" Rewrite Evolution

A new genus of animal has been discovered in the deepest regions of the ocean. These organisms strongly resemble mushrooms both in cap and stalk. These ''magic" mushrooms, if you will, have scientists baffled as to what phylum to categorize them under.  Source: IFLScience

The official Humor-ness take on the subject? 

 Scientists be getting high again.   We've already concluded that today's scientists are perpetually tripping balls (see our article on a 2D universe).  It now appears that they're at it again.   No strangers to psychedelics ourselves,  it's pretty apparent to us what happened here:

Scientist one: "Hey, science bro, wanna try these new shrooms I stole from the drug lab?"

Scientist two: "Does Stephen Hawking shit in a bag?!"

----- 2 hours later -----

Scientist one: "Yo science bro, what the quantum physics are you doing in that bathtub?"

Scientist two: "Shhh... The mushrooms are sleeping.   They wanted to go back home to the ocean where they belong.  They said I could join them in their mushroom kingdom!"

Scientist one: "Whoa."

If that isn't exactly how it went down,  we here at Humor-ness will gladly eat our journalistic integrity. 

  

kid gets shot with pellet gun

This gun was loaded with only a home made dart, but don't get disappointed just yet, shit fuckin hurts

Know Thy Enemy #2

The Scenario:
The moment you close the back doors to the old, beat up van, the driver steps on the gas and immediately speeds off.  The faint sounds of police sirens can be heard in the distance as you remove your black ski mask, and high-five your two accomplices in the back of the van.  You grab a handful of crisp unmarked bills from the beige, dollar sign embroidered bag by your feet and toss it in the air in celebration of a job well done.  Shortly after, the van pulls to a stop in a dimly lit alleyway between two abandoned paper mills. As you grab your bulging bag of loot and exit the vehicle you suddenly feel the hairs on the back of your neck begin to prick up.

Making your way to an unmarked door in the back of one of the abandoned mills, you catch a glimpse of a shadow flashing across the wall of the building. "What the hell was that?" you ask your rag-tag cluster of cronies. A few shrugged shoulders and some incoherent mumbling is the only response you get.  A moment later you hear a loud and unfamiliar 'zipping' noise from one of the fire escapes above. "Well I know you heard that, Earl."

"Yeah... what the fuck was that?"  comes the response of one of your thugs who most assuredly is not Earl

You turn around to realize that crew is now somehow one short, with Earl's bag of money laying sprawled out, yet still full,  on the greasy black pavement. "Uhhh... Where's Earl?" asks one of your bewildered associates.

The unexpected response comes from a nearby shadow in the form of a deep and raspy whisper, "Earl's a little... tied up right now."

It’s not until the source of the voice reveals itself, instantly subduing one of your two remaining accomplices, and abducting him to the rooftops via grappling gun, that you fully become aware of what your up against...

Issue #1 of The Column That Will Save Your Life

"Know Thy Enemy"

Make no mistake about it, the enemy is out there... everywhere out there.  In fact, there are probably no less than 1,000 separate entities conspiring to cause you pain and suffering this very instant (roughly twelve of which are right behind you).

This guy is actually the least frightening of them all.

Why Are You Here?

This section hasn't got a single god damn thing worth looking at.

Well, since you're already here, you might as well enjoy this gallery of fat people in awkward situations: