Shawshank In a Minute!

If you notice a familiar face in this video, then you've probably been watching Boardwalk Empire.  Either that or you know the man from his one line on the Sopranos.   Or maybe this video about his one line on the Sopranos:

Midget Hate.

Dwarfs, Munchkins, Little People, Hairy Babies... Whatever your preferred nomenclature, midgets are without a doubt mankind's personal little What The Fuck.  And don't get me wrong, I love midgets. My two favorite hobbies are dwarf tossing and tricking my friends into watching midget porn.  But still, there is no denying that midgets are 100% WTF. 

Laugh all you want, $10 says your girlfriend would totally fuck him

I mean, lets take a look at all of mankind's other oddities for comparison- Asians have small penises, cripples can't run up a flight of stairs,  retards can't operate heavy machinery, black people make white people feel uncomfortable, and gay people will never be taken seriously in sports.  But Midgets... Midgets have all five of these fuckin problems, and half of them can't even wipe their own ass.

If ever was an argument strong enough to convince me to convert to Hinduism and accept their belief of reincarnation, it would be the existence of midgets.  These poor souls must have committed atrocities beyond Holocaust level in order to be enslaved for a lifetime in the body of a post-pubescent 6 year old.

Of course Hinduism is batshit insane, so I think I'll gladly stay a proud Witness to our Lord, Jahova, thank you very much.

6 Terrifying Things You Never Knew About the Platypus

In this day and age everyone knows about the platypus, nature's adorable little oddball that looks like the result of some inter-special relationship between a beaver and a duck.What most people don't know, however, is that the platypus is the product of Satan's nightmares sent to destroy us all.

Below are 6 facts about the platypus that should prove my point:

6. It is one of only five species of mammals that lays eggs.

Monkeys Smoking: Funny Gimmick or Deadly Epidemic?

Human beings have had a harsh impact on our environment ever since the day we first discovered fire. Examples of the detrimental effects on our planet, which we have only ourselves to blame for, include pollution, deforestation and global warming. Our greatest atrocity, however, could very well be our unintended social influence over our ape brethren.

Issue #1 of The Column That Will Save Your Life

"Know Thy Enemy"

Make no mistake about it, the enemy is out there... everywhere out there.  In fact, there are probably no less than 1,000 separate entities conspiring to cause you pain and suffering this very instant (roughly twelve of which are right behind you).

This guy is actually the least frightening of them all.

Why Are You Here?

This section hasn't got a single god damn thing worth looking at.

Well, since you're already here, you might as well enjoy this gallery of fat people in awkward situations: