Today in Science: The Universe is Flat!

Scientists at the Fermilab in Illinois are conducting an on-going experiment to determine if our universe is in fact just a two dimensional hologram.  In other unrelated news, scientists apparently get their drugs from the same guy we here at Humor-ness do.

"And like, what if beer is square?"

In fact this is a common topic of debate here at Humor-ness HQ.  So much so that we've developed and conducted our own experiment which yielded some surprisingly conclusive results. First we wiggled our fingers back and forth, then side to side.  After months of calculating the data we were able to safely determine two things:

 1. A pound of peyote lasts a very long time

 2. Of course our universe is in fucking 3D. My Goddamn television is in 3D for fuck's sake.


So, Mr. Scientists, please make our checks out to CA$H, thank you.

5 Things I Learned While Tripping on Acid at Work

I was all kinds of trippin, man.

Work sucks. Acid is good. Based on the logic that the goodness of acid > the suckness of work, I came to the brilliant conclusion that by combining the two I could make work not suck.  Two tabs and a day later I can say that while it was a blast, I don't really remember much, and I'm probably never doing it again in my life until tomorrow maybe.  Also, I came to the  following five earth-shattering conclusions that have stuck with me.


5. Nobody expects you to be on LSD

This little added perk was something that dawned on me right at the start of the trip.  Not only did not a single person suspect I was under the influence of psychedelics, but 90% of them wouldn't have believed me if I told it to their face.  It just seems ridiculously implausible. 

"Here's that report you wanted, Joel. It took me a little while, ya know, because of the acid."

Now if I had to give a lecture in an auditorium or some shit, I suppose the fact I was tripping balls would have shown itself. However, my job has nothing of the sort, but more on that later. This next fact is urgent and very important.