Today in Science: The Universe is Flat!

Scientists at the Fermilab in Illinois are conducting an on-going experiment to determine if our universe is in fact just a two dimensional hologram.  In other unrelated news, scientists apparently get their drugs from the same guy we here at Humor-ness do.

"And like, what if beer is square?"

In fact this is a common topic of debate here at Humor-ness HQ.  So much so that we've developed and conducted our own experiment which yielded some surprisingly conclusive results. First we wiggled our fingers back and forth, then side to side.  After months of calculating the data we were able to safely determine two things:

 1. A pound of peyote lasts a very long time

 2. Of course our universe is in fucking 3D. My Goddamn television is in 3D for fuck's sake.


So, Mr. Scientists, please make our checks out to CA$H, thank you.

Humor-ness Is Back

That's right, just like those embarrassing warts you contracted from a McDonald's toilet seat, Humor-ness is back and bigger than ever!  Expect daily outbreaks of contagious proportions ( from us, but maybe from your HPV as well). From now on topical posts will be at the heart of this blog along with all the amazing humor and satire pieces that nobody ever reads! Did Kim Kardashian finally admit she's a man? Find out here! Doping scandal in Little-league baseball? Humor-ness will break the news first! Is your mom a saggy faced, meth smoking, no good stinking whore? Yes!

Pictured: Your Mother (You should really give her a call, you know)

kid gets shot with pellet gun

This gun was loaded with only a home made dart, but don't get disappointed just yet, shit fuckin hurts

Know Thy Enemy #2

The Scenario:
The moment you close the back doors to the old, beat up van, the driver steps on the gas and immediately speeds off.  The faint sounds of police sirens can be heard in the distance as you remove your black ski mask, and high-five your two accomplices in the back of the van.  You grab a handful of crisp unmarked bills from the beige, dollar sign embroidered bag by your feet and toss it in the air in celebration of a job well done.  Shortly after, the van pulls to a stop in a dimly lit alleyway between two abandoned paper mills. As you grab your bulging bag of loot and exit the vehicle you suddenly feel the hairs on the back of your neck begin to prick up.

Making your way to an unmarked door in the back of one of the abandoned mills, you catch a glimpse of a shadow flashing across the wall of the building. "What the hell was that?" you ask your rag-tag cluster of cronies. A few shrugged shoulders and some incoherent mumbling is the only response you get.  A moment later you hear a loud and unfamiliar 'zipping' noise from one of the fire escapes above. "Well I know you heard that, Earl."

"Yeah... what the fuck was that?"  comes the response of one of your thugs who most assuredly is not Earl

You turn around to realize that crew is now somehow one short, with Earl's bag of money laying sprawled out, yet still full,  on the greasy black pavement. "Uhhh... Where's Earl?" asks one of your bewildered associates.

The unexpected response comes from a nearby shadow in the form of a deep and raspy whisper, "Earl's a little... tied up right now."

It’s not until the source of the voice reveals itself, instantly subduing one of your two remaining accomplices, and abducting him to the rooftops via grappling gun, that you fully become aware of what your up against...

5 Things I Learned While Tripping on Acid at Work

I was all kinds of trippin, man.

Work sucks. Acid is good. Based on the logic that the goodness of acid > the suckness of work, I came to the brilliant conclusion that by combining the two I could make work not suck.  Two tabs and a day later I can say that while it was a blast, I don't really remember much, and I'm probably never doing it again in my life until tomorrow maybe.  Also, I came to the  following five earth-shattering conclusions that have stuck with me.


5. Nobody expects you to be on LSD

This little added perk was something that dawned on me right at the start of the trip.  Not only did not a single person suspect I was under the influence of psychedelics, but 90% of them wouldn't have believed me if I told it to their face.  It just seems ridiculously implausible. 

"Here's that report you wanted, Joel. It took me a little while, ya know, because of the acid."

Now if I had to give a lecture in an auditorium or some shit, I suppose the fact I was tripping balls would have shown itself. However, my job has nothing of the sort, but more on that later. This next fact is urgent and very important.