Turkey Hacking group, RedHack, deletes $670 BILLION in electric bills

Source    "RedHack the Turkey’s number one hacker collective today hacked into the website of the Turkey Electricity Transmission Company website.  They then did something which will cheer a lot of Turkish citizens who owe large amounts to the Electricity department.  They have claimed that they have deleted the pending bill of Turkish citizens amounting to Turkish Lira 1.5 trillion.  This amounts to 668523705000.00 US Dollar at current market rate.

This is serious loss for the Turkish electricity distribution company if the claims made by the RedHack hackers are found to be true and the Turkish Electric Distribution company authorities do not have any backup to the website having the bill and liabilities details."

I'm not really sure how this story makes me feel.  Obviously I'm a little disappointed that my initial vision of  a specialty butchers coalition being the culprits here was just WAY off.  My second reaction was that who the fuck knew Turkey had that much money, let alone in the form of electric bills? If I had to guess I would have thought Turkey's entire electric bill would have been a couple hundred bucks tops.  That being said, words can't even describe the admiration I have for anyone who can make 670 billion dollars disappear.  Yeah it probably took 10x the hacking skills to bring us the Fappening than it did for these guys to accomplish this.  Most likely a disgruntled employee threw out the wrong floppy disk and, following the lead every celebrity lately who has posted an embarrassing/creepy tweet, simply blamed it on "the hackers".

Like I said, no clue how to feel about this.  Just all kinds of WTF going on in my head right now.

P.S. - If it was me, I don't care if I hacked into a database with $670 billion or a Coffee Bean account with a 50 cent coupon, I'm fucking stealing that shit.  Not a chance in hell this was simply 'deleted'

Today in Science: Newly Discovered Living "Mushrooms" Rewrite Evolution

A new genus of animal has been discovered in the deepest regions of the ocean. These organisms strongly resemble mushrooms both in cap and stalk. These ''magic" mushrooms, if you will, have scientists baffled as to what phylum to categorize them under.  Source: IFLScience

The official Humor-ness take on the subject? 

 Scientists be getting high again.   We've already concluded that today's scientists are perpetually tripping balls (see our article on a 2D universe).  It now appears that they're at it again.   No strangers to psychedelics ourselves,  it's pretty apparent to us what happened here:

Scientist one: "Hey, science bro, wanna try these new shrooms I stole from the drug lab?"

Scientist two: "Does Stephen Hawking shit in a bag?!"

----- 2 hours later -----

Scientist one: "Yo science bro, what the quantum physics are you doing in that bathtub?"

Scientist two: "Shhh... The mushrooms are sleeping.   They wanted to go back home to the ocean where they belong.  They said I could join them in their mushroom kingdom!"

Scientist one: "Whoa."

If that isn't exactly how it went down,  we here at Humor-ness will gladly eat our journalistic integrity. 

  

Today in Science: The Universe is Flat!

Scientists at the Fermilab in Illinois are conducting an on-going experiment to determine if our universe is in fact just a two dimensional hologram.  In other unrelated news, scientists apparently get their drugs from the same guy we here at Humor-ness do.

"And like, what if beer is square?"

In fact this is a common topic of debate here at Humor-ness HQ.  So much so that we've developed and conducted our own experiment which yielded some surprisingly conclusive results. First we wiggled our fingers back and forth, then side to side.  After months of calculating the data we were able to safely determine two things:

 1. A pound of peyote lasts a very long time

 2. Of course our universe is in fucking 3D. My Goddamn television is in 3D for fuck's sake.


So, Mr. Scientists, please make our checks out to CA$H, thank you.

Humor-ness Is Back

That's right, just like those embarrassing warts you contracted from a McDonald's toilet seat, Humor-ness is back and bigger than ever!  Expect daily outbreaks of contagious proportions ( from us, but maybe from your HPV as well). From now on topical posts will be at the heart of this blog along with all the amazing humor and satire pieces that nobody ever reads! Did Kim Kardashian finally admit she's a man? Find out here! Doping scandal in Little-league baseball? Humor-ness will break the news first! Is your mom a saggy faced, meth smoking, no good stinking whore? Yes!

Pictured: Your Mother (You should really give her a call, you know)

kid gets shot with pellet gun

This gun was loaded with only a home made dart, but don't get disappointed just yet, shit fuckin hurts

Know Thy Enemy #2

The Scenario:
The moment you close the back doors to the old, beat up van, the driver steps on the gas and immediately speeds off.  The faint sounds of police sirens can be heard in the distance as you remove your black ski mask, and high-five your two accomplices in the back of the van.  You grab a handful of crisp unmarked bills from the beige, dollar sign embroidered bag by your feet and toss it in the air in celebration of a job well done.  Shortly after, the van pulls to a stop in a dimly lit alleyway between two abandoned paper mills. As you grab your bulging bag of loot and exit the vehicle you suddenly feel the hairs on the back of your neck begin to prick up.

Making your way to an unmarked door in the back of one of the abandoned mills, you catch a glimpse of a shadow flashing across the wall of the building. "What the hell was that?" you ask your rag-tag cluster of cronies. A few shrugged shoulders and some incoherent mumbling is the only response you get.  A moment later you hear a loud and unfamiliar 'zipping' noise from one of the fire escapes above. "Well I know you heard that, Earl."

"Yeah... what the fuck was that?"  comes the response of one of your thugs who most assuredly is not Earl

You turn around to realize that crew is now somehow one short, with Earl's bag of money laying sprawled out, yet still full,  on the greasy black pavement. "Uhhh... Where's Earl?" asks one of your bewildered associates.

The unexpected response comes from a nearby shadow in the form of a deep and raspy whisper, "Earl's a little... tied up right now."

It’s not until the source of the voice reveals itself, instantly subduing one of your two remaining accomplices, and abducting him to the rooftops via grappling gun, that you fully become aware of what your up against...

5 Things I Learned While Tripping on Acid at Work

I was all kinds of trippin, man.

Work sucks. Acid is good. Based on the logic that the goodness of acid > the suckness of work, I came to the brilliant conclusion that by combining the two I could make work not suck.  Two tabs and a day later I can say that while it was a blast, I don't really remember much, and I'm probably never doing it again in my life until tomorrow maybe.  Also, I came to the  following five earth-shattering conclusions that have stuck with me.


5. Nobody expects you to be on LSD

This little added perk was something that dawned on me right at the start of the trip.  Not only did not a single person suspect I was under the influence of psychedelics, but 90% of them wouldn't have believed me if I told it to their face.  It just seems ridiculously implausible. 

"Here's that report you wanted, Joel. It took me a little while, ya know, because of the acid."

Now if I had to give a lecture in an auditorium or some shit, I suppose the fact I was tripping balls would have shown itself. However, my job has nothing of the sort, but more on that later. This next fact is urgent and very important. 
 

5 Second Film O the Week:

Shawshank In a Minute!

If you notice a familiar face in this video, then you've probably been watching Boardwalk Empire.  Either that or you know the man from his one line on the Sopranos.   Or maybe this video about his one line on the Sopranos:

Midget Hate.

Dwarfs, Munchkins, Little People, Hairy Babies... Whatever your preferred nomenclature, midgets are without a doubt mankind's personal little What The Fuck.  And don't get me wrong, I love midgets. My two favorite hobbies are dwarf tossing and tricking my friends into watching midget porn.  But still, there is no denying that midgets are 100% WTF. 

Laugh all you want, $10 says your girlfriend would totally fuck him

I mean, lets take a look at all of mankind's other oddities for comparison- Asians have small penises, cripples can't run up a flight of stairs,  retards can't operate heavy machinery, black people make white people feel uncomfortable, and gay people will never be taken seriously in sports.  But Midgets... Midgets have all five of these fuckin problems, and half of them can't even wipe their own ass.

If ever was an argument strong enough to convince me to convert to Hinduism and accept their belief of reincarnation, it would be the existence of midgets.  These poor souls must have committed atrocities beyond Holocaust level in order to be enslaved for a lifetime in the body of a post-pubescent 6 year old.

Of course Hinduism is batshit insane, so I think I'll gladly stay a proud Witness to our Lord, Jahova, thank you very much.

6 Terrifying Things You Never Knew About the Platypus

In this day and age everyone knows about the platypus, nature's adorable little oddball that looks like the result of some inter-special relationship between a beaver and a duck.What most people don't know, however, is that the platypus is the product of Satan's nightmares sent to destroy us all.

Below are 6 facts about the platypus that should prove my point:

6. It is one of only five species of mammals that lays eggs.

Monkeys Smoking: Funny Gimmick or Deadly Epidemic?

Human beings have had a harsh impact on our environment ever since the day we first discovered fire. Examples of the detrimental effects on our planet, which we have only ourselves to blame for, include pollution, deforestation and global warming. Our greatest atrocity, however, could very well be our unintended social influence over our ape brethren.

Issue #1 of The Column That Will Save Your Life

"Know Thy Enemy"

Make no mistake about it, the enemy is out there... everywhere out there.  In fact, there are probably no less than 1,000 separate entities conspiring to cause you pain and suffering this very instant (roughly twelve of which are right behind you).

This guy is actually the least frightening of them all.

Why Are You Here?

This section hasn't got a single god damn thing worth looking at.

Well, since you're already here, you might as well enjoy this gallery of fat people in awkward situations: